Carry on screaming

There’s one thing that EastEnders is getting good at - keeping storylines under wraps. A couple have come as complete surprises in the last year or so - Darren being the father of Heather’s baby, and most recently the revelation that Denise wasn’t actually dead - but locked up in the house next to the Trueman’s (which had suddenly and miraculously become boarded up to be the perfect hiding place).

Denise escaped from her hiding place on Tuesday, found herself in the Square, and let herself back into the Trueman’s house, to the horror of the rest of the family who thought she was still dead. Chelsea and Libby then went off in different directions, Chelsea thinking Denise was a murderer, but Libby being overjoyed to see that she was alive (as that might have given her character the slightest chance of being saved, but sadly that’s not to be).

Then Lucas appeared, and the most ridiculous hostage scenario began. Nobody had any weapons of any importance, Lucas tried strangling Libby (well he wanted to keep his hand in just in case he needed to strangle anyone else in the future), Patrick got a smack. And then daft Heather appeared in the scene like the lumbering moron she seems to become whenever anyone lazy is writing the episode.

Heather got particularly short shrift in that episode, by embarrassing herself in front of the new vicar with requests for George Michael music while the baby’s head was over the sink (or whatever it was she oh-so-amusingly called the font). Poor June Brown was probably cringing throughout the entire ridiculous scene in the cafe.

But, back to the siege. Well, not a great deal continued to happen. Chelsea kept wailing, people kept cowering, but not one of them had the idea to overpower him. Surely someone could have sat on him? Somehow, a television then flew through the window and out into the street. The logic behind that one completely failed me and beggared belief, especially as we only saw it coming out into the street, narrowly missing Jodie.

Good job the entire Square had gathered to play a completely implausible game of Rounders in the street. Now, if you think I’m being harsh at this point - think to yourself. One - how many of your neighbours do you really know (in my case six), and two - would you really want to do any sort of group activity with them (in my case, hell no).

Then my favourite comedy moment of the episode - the Truemans running out into the street screaming like they were rushing into the sale at Harrod’s. A truly, truly ridiculous scene. Jack phones the Police (and only tells them an address). Nobody seems to be shocked to see that Denise is alive, or maybe they’ve got bored of the drawn-out storyline as well by this point.

When the Police turn up, what do they do? No ... they don’t question anybody, they just straight over to Lucas and arrest him. Hmmmm, logic escapes me on that one.

So - the Lucas story is finished, and it’s time for the next great storyline of the summer to start ... but which will become the classic? Will it be the one where Phil turns to drugs with Tanya’s sister Rainie (which presumably sets up Tanya’s return), will it be the great who-dies-story where "The Dog in the Pond", sorry the "Queen Vic" burns down in a rehash of a Hollyoaks storyline, or will something else come to the fore?

Only time will tell.